Rue......

Regretting what i have done.... i cry for the first time ever...... but the cry isn't heard..... or is it....??? is anybody listening...... is anyone feeling the same as i am now...... i don't know..... all i know is that i screamed it all out..... but is it out yet.....????? am i normal yet...?? i doubt my situation..... i doubt my state......  i m in rue......

i m sad about what happened..... remembering what could have been and what it has turned out to be...... seeing the faces.... feeling the emotions that have passed by...... the warmth they gave me...... i feel sad..... i m in rue....

Just regretting what happened isn't enough...... it doesn't bring back what i have lost..... but i have to do something to fix things...... to make it what it should be...... but i don't know how...... i m in rue.....

I have to learn to be with it..... to learn from what i have done...... but its painful..... to have a smile on your face when you are crying from within...... but i have to do it........ to face what i have done......

I m in rue......

aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...........

Do you ever face a situation where its all messed up...... you don't know what you want or what you don't..... just feel like crying out loud..... screaming at the top of your voice..... but you can't........ 

You feel like its happening all over again.. and you are not able to do a thing to stop it..... to change it.... you know its all your fault but you can do nothing about it....

The sand is simply slipping out of your hand from between your fingers...... and you want to grab it tighter...... you feel insomniac......

You close your eyes and you see all of it again and again...... you don't want to think about it but even can't afford to forget it..... for it has with it the loving memories which you have built in your past..... which you want to take with you till the grave.....

But the sole reason for those memories is dying..... its wanting to get away...... 'coz its the past... it has to go.... but you see your future in it...... you see hope.... you see light.... but its getting dark...... and you can't close your eyes with the fear of darkness swallowing it.... you want to cherish it...... but you can't...... you fear closing your eyes..... you feel insomniac........

You realize that you have built a glass shield around you which can't be broken..... which you once toiled to be stronger than anything else...... but now you want to hit it and hit it hard...... to shatter it to pieces...... but all you can do is cry..... which can't be heard by anyone..... for everything is fading away in darkness......

You fear closing your eyes..... you feel insomniac........

Kite Runner......

Just read this extremely interesting book..... Kite Runner 

First of all its a fabulous piece of art by khaled hosseini....  it really took me in a totally different state of mind.... all the mistakes i had done... right from a small lie to some school teacher to the biggest of mistakes i have done.... all of them were flashing in front of my eyes as i was going through it.... I could really relate to the character "Amir" in it..... 

There have ben many instances when my mind had said something and my heart wanted to take a totally different path.... The chickening out of amir at various situations reminded me how i have sometimes let others down and have ran out of trouble just to save myself..... I felt like apologizing to each of them before its too late... I have the chance which amir didn't.....

As some people say..."i have a really bad timing of expressing myself..."..... i felt the same for amir..... he wanted to save his friend..... but all he could think of was fear... the consequences that might arise after that..... Friends..... in every situation of your life you seldom have a single path to take..... there is always a choice and sacrifice.... i think i have taken the wrong ones many times which i regret till date....... 

The part where amir stands up for hassan's son shohrab is really what i want to do before its too late..... But i don't know whether i'd be able to gather enough courage to do that... to stand up to someone's expectations..... to make a sacrifice for them..... I don't know what happens to me in such situations......

Am not able to find more words to express the guilt and remorse i am feeling right now simply due to the fact that i couldn't do the right thing at the right time..... I feel even worse because i've always expected friends, and they have, to stand up for me..... to support me.... but all i thought was myself..... what will i get out of it..... will it harm me????.... is it safe enough to speak or interfere????.....

All i want to do is to run, as fast as i can, for the kite floating high in the sky...... try to catch it for my dear ones..... i know its cut.... and is flying freely... going out of my reach with every passing instant..... but i want to run...... to jump as high as i can to grab it.... to hold  it to my chest and feel it..... and cry.... cry out loud what i have deep down inside.......

Sorry to all of you whom i have let down..... i know i have.....

These thoughts might appear to be random.... they might appear to be jumbled up..... but this is how it works in my mind..... jumbled..... all webbed up... entangled amongst themselves......

I hope someday i can do what i feel........

B2L.....my wing

just for some fun.....jate jate apni wing ko kuch to dena tha na :P....

so thought of making a logo or something.........

this is just the first draft of it......

comments invited....